February

Despite the rumors I’m really not the Grumpy Cats idol…There are several reasons I’m forgoing the hearts and flowers this go-around.

     I’ve always been a tad creeped out by the idea of a cherub (which seems to be essentially a chunky infant) floating around people’s heads brandishing a bow and arrow. To this day I’m not understanding the whole shooting an arrow – flipping the ‘Love Light’ switch thing. I’m pretty sure if the whole premise was presented these days some sort of Bow and Arrow N.R.A.-like group would be protesting O.B.G.Y.N. clinics everywhere. I’m also pretty sure there are medications for those of us who can see babies hang gliding throughout restaurants and Tunnels of Love.

       My having no special plans nor karat expectations for this cuddliest of all holidays has no bearing what-so-ever on my alleged bah humbug attitude about this years Lovers day… I’m just fascinated by the odd and unusual. (and my best beau busted his budget at Christmas.)

           I’ve known for a while now that ‘Lovers Month’ also contains less celebrated holidays and have become very adept at ignoring strange looks and stranger comments about my method of celebrations. In sharing some with you all I’m also extending the permission to celebrate the ones you see fit – in any way you see fit…I do ask if law enforcement is involved don’t point to this column.

     Feb. 2 Candlemas Day – A day to bring candles to church…? If you’re Catholic that’s akin to bringing dollar bills to a bank.

     Feb.3 Feed the Birds Day – I wasn’t aware we needed a day for that…I’ll have to enlighten the Blue Jays tomorrow morning – and hope the dive bombing ceases long enough for me to make it to my porch.

     Feb. 4 Create a Vacuum Day – I can only paraphrase the Great God Google…A (mad!?) scientist created this day to celebrate the creation of a vacuum during laboratory work. But, I’m pretty sure it had to be a housewife who was totally done with beating rugs on the back fence…or possibly the housewife’s husband in an attempt to keep said housewife from using the rug beater in a way that could perhaps leave stains on said rugs.

     Feb. 5 Eat Ice Cream for Breakfast Day – I’m very sure a third grader must have been working for Hallmark when this day was conceived, but hey – when in Rome.

     Feb. 7 Wave All Your Fingers at Your Neighbor Day – You must not wave with one finger on this day! Not even at the old guy across the street who walks his dog along your front fence every day…

     Feb. 9 Toothache day – The only nugget (nougat) of information I could find about this holiday is it falls on the very day the Hershey corporation was founded…?

     Feb. 11 White T-Shirt Day – Began as White Shirt Day honoring a truckers union sit-down strike and somehow morphed into White T-Shirt Day…Wondering if the truckers were hauling beer and convinced the secretaries …oh well… Nevermind…

     Feb. 13 Clean out your computer day – It’s just so hard to dry all those little little pointy things and get the top to clip back on afterward. This is also Get A Different Name Day…I’m not sure the founder actually meant the one that the IT guys gave me when I participated in the previous holiday…

     Feb.15 Singles Awareness Day – S.A.D….Really?...

     Feb. 16 Do A Grouch A Favor Day – The idea is to do him or her a favor that will cheer up their day…Why? Some of us enjoy not smiling…Especially those of us who celebrate the above holiday.

     Feb. 18 National Drink Wine Day – Probably created by some of the single grouches.

     Feb. 25 Open That Bottle Night – How did they drink all that wine…? Also Pistol Patent Day – Now we know what drove Annie Oakley to gun slinging perfection.

     Feb. 26 Public Sleeping Day…’nuff said!

 Either days you choose to celebrate either way you choose to celebrate just enjoy with those you love, but please read the rest of the fine columns in this paper pre - Open That Bottle Day! You’ll be glad you did.