I'm Sorry

                                                                                                                  Word Count 554

“I’m going to disappoint you. But you knew that already.”

We’ve been performing this daily ritual for so long you barely remember what started it…Your baby sisters wedding? Falling in love with Mr. Perfection? The total fiasco that was your first day at the new position you worked so hard to obtain?

Through no fault of mine I have become a major part of your obsession.

Trying desperately to change the outcome we’ve tried mornings, afternoons, evenings and bedtimes – at various times we’ve pointed to all four points of the compass… The kitchen - the bedroom -  the bathroom - even on the back deck. While these experiences were interesting to say the least and the results may have fluctuated a little, it was never to your satisfaction. I suffered with each of your little impasses even more than you did, forgiving always the not-so- gentle shove into the wall or door slamming while I sat helpless to change anything. Will you ever learn that you and only you can turn things around?

You think my innards are hard as steel springs but I hear your whispered pep talks into the mirror as you prepare yourself for the day, each one including at least one line about being your own best friend and not judging yourself. Then you come to me and the self-loathing begins all over again.

You desperately want to believe if there are no witnesses it doesn’t count, but can’t really convince yourself a few moments of forbidden pleasure won’t be exposed at the exact moment you are as vulnerable as a blond in a bikini on a Florida beach.

There are enough venues to get advice, commiseration and products to fill isles and isles of the biggest of the big box stores, meetings you don’t attend, friends and siblings you ignore, all the while telling yourself ‘just once won’t matter’ then we do our secret dance and it matters more than the day before.

I wish it were different but I’m built the way I’m built and nothing you do can change that one little bit. The only solution for both of us would be for you to just put me in a special place and go on with your life without a backward glance.

But I know that’s not going to happen, you might stay away for a day or so but will soon be dragging me forward again, threatening then cajoling –always with the same results. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing the same thing over and over and over.

Selfishly I truly wish we could go on forever but I must explain…my heart and soul is only based on a spring system that uses your weight to depress a lever, which in turn rotates a sprocket attached to my dial. The dial rotates until it stops, and a plastic marker marks your weight. The fact that my margin of error is about  ±0.25 lb just makes things worse and my age is really showing now, especially around my sprocket. That was the ping we heard, the crack grows wider each time you visit.

So for what perhaps is the last time…

“I’m going to disappoint you. But you knew that already.”